Hi Oliver,
I had to write tonight because, with some degree of coincidence, I just found out tomorrow is World Suicide Prevention Day
And that matters for a couple of reasons.
Firstly, when it comes to my own life.
Back in 2005 when your mother was pregnant with you and we split up, I hit absolute rock bottom.
I knew not being with your mother was the right thing, because she had treated me horribly during the time we were together.
But the thought my first child was going to start life with separated parents was just too much to handle at the time.
I was raised by two loving parents and with a brother by my side. Everyone has their own opinions, but in my mind that’s the best way to raise kids – with both parents in the same home, teaching the same values and showing love and respect to each other as an example for the kids to follow.
Unfortunately I had to see a lot of broken families when I was growing up, and I saw the affect it had on the kids. They were Pawns in a game of ‘who could hate each other more’, and had to listen to their parents constantly bickering and blaming each other for trivial events.
I’d hoped I would have children when I knew I was in a strong relationship and we were both ready. It wasn’t to be.
There was a brief moment before you were born I thought taking myself out of the picture permanently would be best for you to live the most normal life your mother could manage on her own.
Luckily I didn’t let the thoughts of suicide take over, and instead decided maybe I should just not be in your life, while I get on with rebuilding mine.
And secondly (and this point is somewhat eerie)
Not long ago I found out that R**, who I guess is kind of like a former step-father to you, died by suicide back in 2020 according to information online.
Now, to really understand why this struck a nerve with me, I need to explain the whole story. I hope you’re ready for this.
Back in September 2010, someone made a prank call on me. And I would swear on my last breath it was your mother and R**. It was a man doing the talking, but I could hear laughing in the background that was unmistakable.
Then we need to leap forward a couple of years, to some time in 2012.
A man called my home phone. I wasn’t there at the time, but my dad was, and he took the call.
My dad was confused by what the person on the phone was talking about, but apparently this person had called to apologise (I assume for the prank call), and said a few other things which I won’t go into.
The mysterious nature of the call and what was said always led me to believe it was R**, and I’d considered contacting him a few times over the years – which is what led to me finding the news of his passing.
Now lets leap forward to present day.
Tomorrow, I am taking a race-car chassis to a company down close to Silverstone race circuit.
I know that R** used to be mechanic/race-car engineer, so for this to happen on WSPD feels kind of weird.
I don’t know what caused R** to leave this place earlier than he should have, but it’s strange that both the biological fathers of your mothers children have been to that dark place.
One thing I hope for you is that you never experience anything in life that leads you down the dark path to consider what I’ve talked about for yourself.
Things can always change. Tough times will get better. Life will have its ups and downs and it won’t always be easy, but the reward of making it through the tough times is the joy we get in the good times.
If you ever feel down and need to talk, I’m here.
Your sincerely
Your (assumed) bio-dad, Stu.
